Damaged, Fractured Yet Responsible
The family unit as we are told it should be although real, ideal and perhaps the standard to reach just isn't the reality for a large portion of individuals throughout the planet. When both parental units are available as well as present the product/offspring learn social lessons much earlier and deeper. These are the little combinations in life that make relations and relationships. It is through family interaction in the early years where we obtain our first glimpse of the expectation of the adult we think we are supposed to become.
Both of my parents were born in Chicago, Illinois during the 1920's from parents who may have migrated from the southern states. Both were only children (without siblings) and divorced from each other by 1965 when I was about 2 years of age. A negro couple in the States during the Civil Rights Movement divorcing, eliminating their family at a time when the solid family unit was exactly what was needed became common place despite the negative labels that came along with it especially for women. The classrooms were filled with children just like me to the point where regardless of the fantasy families seen on broadcast television in those days, most of the kids I came up with were from what we called "Broken Homes". Damaged, fractured and broken were we, but as kids we didn't know any better so we didn't care...that is until our peers and others began to point things out to us, asking questions we could not or would not answer without bringing to the surface unidentifiable feelings of anxiety and shame. I remember telling people my father was dead because it was the easiest way to end the topic of conversation and the fact is I probably had no idea how to answer what ever question was shot my way.
I first heard this statement while listening to a TD Jakes sermon on YouTube in 2004. It made sense and became one of my "brucisms". But lately, a deeper perception has come over me as it pertains to my personal upbringing.
Being the youngest of 4 children, the family unit as I was told it should be was an illusion, however outside forces from many areas of life pressed the Standard which everyone and all the families in my scope of vision went head long into with the attempt to imitate or to actually become. A popular Black American publication titled Ebony Magazine in the mid 70's had a brief ad that portrayed a picture of a young black boy pretending to be a super hero using a towel as a cape while looking into a mirror. What he saw in his reflection was a White Super Man. The caption said only "What's Wrong With This Picture?" I think I was in middle school when this particular ad hit my consciousness and it floored me because I knew without any doubt that this was exactly how I was viewing the world...through the lens of someone else's making. How did this come to be??
During these very years, I was distant from my father, in a cold war with my brother and missing my sisters (I really didn't know them well) who were grown and living their lives, all this while watching my mother motivated by both love and bitterness literally work herself into an early grave. Mom was an elementary school teacher who had no patience for her sons by the time she got home from dealing with the thirty plus monkeys bouncing off the walls of her classroom. I don't blame her as she was doing it all alone with the tools any damaged mother had. Like many of us, I was born of damaged parents who could not teach nor exemplarate what they themselves did not know.
When I originally wrote this piece in 2014 I was 51 years of age, still finding myself struggling with intimacy. Looking from the inside out, the only reason I know intimacy is the issue is that my wife has mentioned it...and I agree. She sometimes will refer to me as "Odd Collard". Again, I can't disagree.
As mom was coming to the end of her life and slowly going down with her world becoming small, I already knew what to expect when it came to my siblings as it was already playing out loud. What lay ahead that scared me was the fact that it was time to embrace the employment world, the adult world, the real world feeling as if I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. Having accepted this perceived reality, I went head long forward. The reason this has relevance, my social skills sucked and I had to embrace the reality that as a stunted individual I would be learning some basic principles the hard way. The experience lasted years and was awkward, painful, embarrassing and necessary.
You see, when a person comes to the realization that their personal maturation in life is running completely out of sequence in comparison to the local societal standards...well this knowledge is a relief. For me, it was not about the discovery itself as I own my brokenness. But life will take place whether we decide to witness it or chose to hide from it. As the person assigned to live and experience the outcome, it was great to hear other voices besides my own say out loud that although I may be accountable for the future of it all, I am in no way responsible for how it all came to be. Yet that can also be said on the other hand. Although I am in no way responsible for how it all came to be, I am solely accountable for what I make of my future.
It doesn't matter how you hit the planet when your children and loved ones are depending on you to lead and act in a fashion that will pull or push the family unit forward. It may not seem fair and it probably isn't but life isn't fair. You don't get credit for doing what you are supposed to do.
I once heard a story about a world class CEO whom on the outside was a champion among men. On the surface, he had achieved more than all but one percent of the top one percent could ever imagine. He was able to build a massive corporation as well as a few non-profit organizations with the specific goal to provide affordable service to those whom otherwise would never have access. But due to a sexual assault in his early life, he spent the next fifty years destroying every personal relationship he had and could not stop himself, because hurting people hurt people. Although damaged fracture and broken in his pain there was still much love for other people yet he was unable to bridge the gap between himself and those closest to him.
All of us have the capacity to love and help others. Through our pain and brokenness, many people can identify with us and see a reflection. If this person can push through then so can I.
Photo Courtesy of: Death to Stock Photo
"When you don't get what you should have got when you were a boy It's so much more painful to have to go back as a man to fix a boy problem...it's out of sequence."
I first heard this statement while listening to a TD Jakes sermon on YouTube in 2004. It made sense and became one of my "brucisms". But lately, a deeper perception has come over me as it pertains to my personal upbringing.
Being the youngest of 4 children, the family unit as I was told it should be was an illusion, however outside forces from many areas of life pressed the Standard which everyone and all the families in my scope of vision went head long into with the attempt to imitate or to actually become. A popular Black American publication titled Ebony Magazine in the mid 70's had a brief ad that portrayed a picture of a young black boy pretending to be a super hero using a towel as a cape while looking into a mirror. What he saw in his reflection was a White Super Man. The caption said only "What's Wrong With This Picture?" I think I was in middle school when this particular ad hit my consciousness and it floored me because I knew without any doubt that this was exactly how I was viewing the world...through the lens of someone else's making. How did this come to be??
During these very years, I was distant from my father, in a cold war with my brother and missing my sisters (I really didn't know them well) who were grown and living their lives, all this while watching my mother motivated by both love and bitterness literally work herself into an early grave. Mom was an elementary school teacher who had no patience for her sons by the time she got home from dealing with the thirty plus monkeys bouncing off the walls of her classroom. I don't blame her as she was doing it all alone with the tools any damaged mother had. Like many of us, I was born of damaged parents who could not teach nor exemplarate what they themselves did not know.
When I originally wrote this piece in 2014 I was 51 years of age, still finding myself struggling with intimacy. Looking from the inside out, the only reason I know intimacy is the issue is that my wife has mentioned it...and I agree. She sometimes will refer to me as "Odd Collard". Again, I can't disagree.
As mom was coming to the end of her life and slowly going down with her world becoming small, I already knew what to expect when it came to my siblings as it was already playing out loud. What lay ahead that scared me was the fact that it was time to embrace the employment world, the adult world, the real world feeling as if I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. Having accepted this perceived reality, I went head long forward. The reason this has relevance, my social skills sucked and I had to embrace the reality that as a stunted individual I would be learning some basic principles the hard way. The experience lasted years and was awkward, painful, embarrassing and necessary.
You see, when a person comes to the realization that their personal maturation in life is running completely out of sequence in comparison to the local societal standards...well this knowledge is a relief. For me, it was not about the discovery itself as I own my brokenness. But life will take place whether we decide to witness it or chose to hide from it. As the person assigned to live and experience the outcome, it was great to hear other voices besides my own say out loud that although I may be accountable for the future of it all, I am in no way responsible for how it all came to be. Yet that can also be said on the other hand. Although I am in no way responsible for how it all came to be, I am solely accountable for what I make of my future.
It doesn't matter how you hit the planet when your children and loved ones are depending on you to lead and act in a fashion that will pull or push the family unit forward. It may not seem fair and it probably isn't but life isn't fair. You don't get credit for doing what you are supposed to do.
I once heard a story about a world class CEO whom on the outside was a champion among men. On the surface, he had achieved more than all but one percent of the top one percent could ever imagine. He was able to build a massive corporation as well as a few non-profit organizations with the specific goal to provide affordable service to those whom otherwise would never have access. But due to a sexual assault in his early life, he spent the next fifty years destroying every personal relationship he had and could not stop himself, because hurting people hurt people. Although damaged fracture and broken in his pain there was still much love for other people yet he was unable to bridge the gap between himself and those closest to him.
All of us have the capacity to love and help others. Through our pain and brokenness, many people can identify with us and see a reflection. If this person can push through then so can I.
You can be You, reach your Dreams serve God & still Enjoy Life
Now It's My Turn | Rise Above the Ordinary:
Although written for young adults or teens who due to circumstances beyond their control were without emotional or financial support ANYONE CAN MAKE USE OF THESE PRINCIPLES.
DOWNLOADS -
Amazon US - http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00I8PN4ZC
Amazon Canada - http://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/B00I8PN4ZC?*Version*=1&*entries*=0
Amazon UK - http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00I8PN4ZC?*Version*=1&*entries*=0
Amazon Australia - http://www.amazon.com.au/gp/product/B00I8PN4ZC?*Version*=1&*entries*=0
Amazon India - http://www.amazon.in/gp/product/B00I8PN4ZC?*Version*=1&*entries*=0
Now It's My Turn | Rise Above the Ordinary:
Although written for young adults or teens who due to circumstances beyond their control were without emotional or financial support ANYONE CAN MAKE USE OF THESE PRINCIPLES.
DOWNLOADS -
Amazon US - http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00I8PN4ZC
Amazon Canada - http://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/B00I8PN4ZC?*Version*=1&*entries*=0
Amazon UK - http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00I8PN4ZC?*Version*=1&*entries*=0
Amazon Australia - http://www.amazon.com.au/gp/product/B00I8PN4ZC?*Version*=1&*entries*=0
Amazon India - http://www.amazon.in/gp/product/B00I8PN4ZC?*Version*=1&*entries*=0
Photo Courtesy of: Death to Stock Photo
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